Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
