i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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