I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
