i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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