Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
