totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
