you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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