just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
