my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
