I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize