i don't plan on having that self control this summer
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
