walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
