Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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