apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
