You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize