genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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