You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
She needs sedatives and a leash
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
