Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize