my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
