I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
