so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
