if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
