I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Dignity is for republicans.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
