there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
