Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
