While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
