She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
