It's a beautiful day for a hangover
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
