Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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