If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
