I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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