Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
