woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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