Jerry, you need to find god
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
