Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I would ride that face into the sunset
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
