Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
