I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
being pregnant is like rehab
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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