my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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