Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
