I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
