State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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