my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
