you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
