So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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