theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Randomize
