DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
My vagina just recognized that song.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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