why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
