i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
