I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
