all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
