Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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