I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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