You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
