I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
