Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
