I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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